


The Personal Assistant of Magnus Bane

by lorenzobane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec and Magnus are Busy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dates, Dating Advice, Do's and Don'ts, M/M, Scheduling, Very Competent PA
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorenzobane/pseuds/lorenzobane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I am Magnus Bane’s personal assistant. I’ve come to work with your schedule and his to find a time for your date.” </p>
<p>“I didn’t know Magnus had a personal assistant?” </p>
<p>“Neither does he, he hired me nearly a century and a half ago while he was high as a kite in Casablanca. Still, I remain on his pay roll so I continue doing my job, and doing it admirably.” </p>
<p>Or: Alec and Magnus are having trouble finding time in their schedules for a date. Luckily Magnus's personal assistant can help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Alec loves Tetris. And no, not just because it was one of the only games that the Clave allowed Shadowhunters to have on their personal devices. He likes it because it is endless, and it is pointless. All day people come in and out of his office and demand he make decisions with consequences. This game has no real consequences. 

So, he was a little bit distracted. Allegedly he was “working” on some paper work at the moment, but he figured he was allowed a short (hour long) break if he wanted one. Besides the work has been overwhelming lately, it feels like he can never come up for air. He and Magnus have been trying to plan a date for the last three days and its been impossible. With Alec’s crazy hours and Magnus’s own insane responsibilities trying to find even one evening was starting to look like a dim hope. 

“Ahem!” A high pitched squeaky voice pulled him sharply out of his game. 

“Ah! Gremlin” Alec said reaching for his stele. Standing before him was a short creature with a long pencil thin nose. Its giant violent colored eyes contrasted sharply with its neon green hair and orange skin.

The Gremlin rolled its eyes and Alec lowered his stele. These tiny creatures were not actually all that dangerous, they just had a tendency to play pranks and make general mischief wherever they went. Not worth killing, certainly, but also not generally pleasant to have around. 

How did it even get in?

“You must be Alec Lightwood,” The Gremlin said professionally. 

“Um… Yes?” 

“Wonderful,” the creature reached its long narrow fingers into the pocket of its sport coat and places on thin golden framed reading glasses. It was only then that Alec was hit with the realization that the tiny creature was wearing a perfectly tailored suit. 

“Um… And you are?” Alec said trying to maintain some politeness. 

“Oh yes, of course. My name is unpronounceable to the human tongue, so please call me Mr. Banks.” 

For such a tiny multicolored creature Mr. Banks held himself with a great deal of dignity and restraint. 

“And.. Um… How can I help you, Mr. Banks?” 

“I am Magnus Bane’s personal assistant. I’ve come to work with your schedule and his to find a time for your date.” 

“I didn’t know Magnus had a personal assistant?” Alec said, mentally wishing Magnus could have warned him before sending his tiny gremlin PA. 

“Neither does he,” Mr. Banks said with a slightly irritated tone of voice, “he hired me nearly a century and a half ago while he was high as a kite in Casablanca. Still, I remain on his pay roll so I continue doing my job, and doing it admirably.” 

“Um…”

“Wonderful, now that that is squared away,” he pulled out a smartphone with a very color coded and highly filled out google calendar appeared. 

Alec tried very hard not to come of as confused and bamboozled as he was, so he frantically grasped at his own cellphone to open his calendar. 

“How do you maintain his schedule if he doesn’t know you exist?” 

“Oh, he thinks he maintains his own calendar. Fairly absent minded, that one. Probably would have been a decent professor if he wasn’t such a lush.” 

The Gremlin sounded vaguely disapproving which was odd for Alec. As far as he had been taught these tiny creatures were ones for chaos and hijinks, not for color coded calendars and tailored suits. 

“Now, Mr. Bane has one of the most regularly irregular schedules I’ve ever maintained. Luckily my decades of study have allowed me to predict with relative frequency where he’ll be at certain times.” 

Alec glanced at the chaotic calendar that could surely only make sense to Magus and his icy PA. 

“Um, okay,” Alec began, “how does this Friday night work?” 

The PA glanced down and muttered to himself, “unfortunately the chances are high that he’ll be with Ms. Tessa Gray in South Africa on Friday. At least if my calculations and algorithmsare correct.”

Alec didn’t ask what he meant by that because it was likely that he didn’t want to know. 

“Perhaps you two should stop hoping for an evening?” Mr. Banks whispered almost to himself, “perhaps lunch?” 

“I can do a Wednesday lunch?” 

“Ah… Mr. Bane’s mandatory two hours of meditation fall during that time.”

“What?”

“He needs to meditate for at least two hours a day to ensure that his magic remains under his tight fisted control.” 

The Gremlin went back to the screen and muttered to himself, moving things around with his tiny orange finger before looking up delightedly. 

“How is Thursday night?” 

Alec looked down at his phone and saw that he had a few hours on Thursday evening off. 

“That works for me,” Alec said delighted and relieved. Thank god for Mr. Banks. 

“Wonderful, let me just add this to his calendar.” 

“… Are you sure he’ll know about this? Won’t he find it weird that he has a date that he didn’t set up?” 

“No, he’ll assume he asked you at some point and added it to the calendar himself. You’ll be going to one of his favorite Peruvian restaurants, the dress code is business casual. I’ll send a follow up email to confirm. Now for the important part of the conversation, the do’s and don’ts.”

Alec had the unsettling feeling he should have brought a note pad.

Mr. Banks had the same thought. 

“Where is your note taking utensil?” Mr. Banks asked. 

Alec floundered again as he frantically reached for the back of an old CVS receipt and a pen that he left on the table. 

The Gremlin nodded approvingly. 

“Conversation do’s: please talk about yourself. Magnus is very curious and enjoys hearing about people’s stories. He also resents having to carry the entirety of the conversation. Feel free to ask questions about the past, but keep it vague and general. Specifics make him melancholic. He’s also pretty funny, and enjoys a laugh- don’t be afraid to make jokes. Puns are a special favorite of his. Now…. 

“That brings me to don’ts: Magnus is mercurial… Keep topics away from things that make him sensitive. That includes his birth parents, the first century of his life, almost all of his past lovers, for some strange reason the entirety of the 1970’s, and cacti.” 

Alec frantically wrote, trying to keep up with the quick delivery of facts. 

“Magnus is a good man… But he is not a nice one. If you can not handle that distinction it is best if you learn how to. He won’t help strangers unless they pay him, he engages in petty theft and most importantly,” the Gremlin leaned forward, “people are afraid of him. They actively seek his approval and his protection. He is surrounded by sycophants. Do not be one of them.” 

Alec nodded, feeling light headed.

With an approving nod Mr. Banks picked up his tiny leather briefcase and pulled out a card with his name and phone number on it. 

“If you need anything, or need something scheduled please do not hesitate to give me a call.” 

“Thank you,” Alec said faintly. 

With a sharp click of his shiny dress shoes Mr. Banks turned around and walked out of Alec’s office. 

 

\--------------------

 

About an hour later, when Alec had mostly recovered from the weirdness he got a phone call from Magnus. 

“So about our date on Thursday, I was thinking maybe afterwards we could go see a fabulous performer I know at this tiny club on…” 

“Thursday?”

“Thursday night? Remember, we must have planned it. Its in my Google Calendar.”

Alec swallowed thickly, “um… Yeah. Right, sorry. My mistake. Performer?” 

“Oh you’ll love her. I have a feeling she’ll be completely to your tastes.” 

“That, uh… sounds good. I’m pretty behind on paper work now though.” 

“Of course, darling. Work hard, play hard. Good lucky with the Clave,” Magnus said before hanging up. 

_What the hell._ And maybe Alec was crazy, but honestly if this is the craziness that comes from dating Magnus Bane then sign him up. Inexplicably having a Gremlin appear in his office was the most fun he had all week. 

 

\----------------------

 

When Thursday eventually does come around Alec is very prepared. Mr. Banks sent him a detailed outline of how to get to Magnus’s apartment with minimal demonic encounter and also gave him several handy conversation starters. 

If this is what it was like to have a personal assistant then maybe Alec should get one of his own. 

“Why, don’t you look dashing.” 

“Thank you,” Alec said turning his head down shyly and smiling at the floor, “you look nice too.” 

Which he did, but Alec was willing to be that Magnus already knew how good he looked. 

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Magnus replied and brushed a kiss on Alec’s cheek, “shall we?” 

The autumn air was crisp around them and Alec rather liked having Magnus’s leather wrapped hand entertained with his own. 

The restaurant was colorful and complicated looking, with an art style that Alec couldn’t quite place. The food was also amazing, the complex combinations of flavors were among the best that Alec has ever had, though admittedly the food in the Institute was not the best. 

Alec followed the talking points. And at the end of the night was very willing to pat himself on the back for his highly solid first date skills. 

“You know,” Magnus said half way through their walk to the performer Magnus wanted to show him, “I’m rather glad Mr. Banks chose this restaurant. It is one of my favorites.” 

Alec nodded absentmindedly before freezing in his tracks, “you know about Mr. Banks?” 

“Of course. Admittedly for the first fifty years I truly didn’t, and after that it gave him so much pleasure to be my secret PA that we kept our relationship distant. I never know what he is up to until I see things suddenly appear on my calendar.” 

“But… But…” 

“Oh yes, he is quite the silly fool. I send him a Christmas gift every year and that is the only time of year he allows me to acknowledge him,” Magnus said while snickering slightly to himself. “Though admittedly those were some good conversation starters he gave you. Even if,”Magnus said with a teasing glint, “it did sound a bit like you were reading an essay prompt.” 

Alec’s entire face turned red and he started to stutter, “I… Well… I…” 

Magnus laughed kindly and looked up at Alec, stopping them both in the middle of the side walk. 

“I’m just teasing, darling. I had a lovely time.”

Alec’s face lit up into a grin, “I had a good time too.” 

“Wonderful. We should do this again, sometime.” 

“Yeah,” Alec said leaning down to press a kiss on Magnus’s plush lips, “I’ll call Mr. Banks.” 


	2. The Argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec was fairly sure he was the most maligned person in the history of the world. His suffering knows no bounds or depth.
> 
> At least that is how he feels looking down at his favorite croissant sitting on the sidewalk in front of him, having fallen out of his hand when someone jostled him.

    Alec was fairly sure he was the most maligned person in the history of the world. His suffering knows no bounds or depth. 

At least that is how he feels looking down at his favorite croissant sitting on the sidewalk in front of him, having fallen out of his hand when someone jostled him. 

God damn it, he deserved that croissant. It was from his favorite bakery and Shadowhunters have a very strict, carb limited diet. It was his treat. Today was his fucking cheat day. 

As Alec considered the suffering he was forced to endure he noticed the music. He barely had time to process that it was the James Bond theme song before someone pushed him into a nearby alley. 

He whipped out his seraph blade instinctively when he looked down. 

“Mr. Banks,” Alec said sighing in relief before lowering his weapon. 

“Mr. Lightwood,” the Gremlin replied. 

“Can I… help you?” 

Mr. Banks smiled ruefully and blinked purposefully, a hot new croissant now sitting in Alec’s hand. 

“There we go,” Mr. Banks said, “I do not have time to deal with you if you’re going to be sulking.” 

Alec almost retorted that he wasn’t _sulking_ , and such an activity would be unfit for a man of his stature but ultimately decided to say nothing. 

“What do you need?” Alec said instead. 

Mr. Banks looked at him like he was an idiot as if to say _what on earth could you do for me?_

“You and Mr. Bane have not been engaging in coitus for the past three point five weeks.”

Alec felt his face flush as he stuttered out, “wh-wh-what? And why would that… Why do you even… How do you know?” 

The Gremlin just looked at him balefully, “Does it matter? I am here to fix the problem. My employer is unhappy, and it is affecting his schedule, therefore making my life harder. What seems to be the problem?”

“What…?” Alec sighed deeply and looked at his rapidly cooling buttery treat. Today was not supposed to go like this. 

Mr. Banks said nothing, just stared at him. Alec realized he was not going to escape this conversation.

“Listen, Mr. Banks, I appreciate how much you have helped Magnus and me out in the past. Getting us free time, and planning some extraordinary dates,” here Mr. Banks bowed a little to accept the compliment, “but this is between Magnus and me.” 

“I have purchased your sex toys, Mr. Lightwood.”

“How do you even know we haven’t been…?”

“Mr. Bane’s showers have grown in length by 15% and he has increased his rates to Shadowhunter clients by 20%. The increased shower time seems to indicate a greater focus on self-pleasure, and increased rates suggest a more easily frustrated Warlock. Usually, this is his response to a dry spell.” 

“Usually?”

Mr. Banks pulled out a notebook, “in 1890 he took a vow of chastity that lasted six months. Same reaction. In 1936 he did not take a bed partner for two months. Same reaction. In 19…”

Alec cut him off, “I get the idea.” 

“Should I make an appointment with a sex therapist? Or perhaps arelationship counselor?”

“There is nothing wrong with our relationship!” 

Mr. Banks raised a single violet eyebrow. 

“There isn’t! I’ve just been… Busy,” Alec finished lamely. 

Mr. Banks made a tutting noise and waved his blackberry, “you do realize I have your schedule here too right?” 

“You do? How did you get that? God… That is such an invasion of…”

Mr. Banks did not look impressed by Alec’s indignation. 

“Can we focus on the conversation at hand, Mr. Lightwood?”

“I just haven’t been in the mood lately,” Alec lied hoping to end this inquisition. 

“I find that to be unlikely. Your shower time has also increased, though only by 5%… And the length of patrols you’ve been assigning as gone up. As well as required training time. Your Shadowhunters are beginning to get quite irritated with you.” 

Sometimes Alec wondered if anyone in the history of humanity has suffered the way he has suffered. 

“Look, Magnus and I had an argument, okay? Nothing dramatic. I just don’t want to give him the pleasure of seeing me fold first.”

“And the argument was about…?” 

“He doesn’t like my cooking.” 

“Excuse me?” Mr. Banks is looking almost surprised. The most emotion he has seen the small creature show since they’ve met and Alec feels a weird burst of pleasure at that. 

“He insulted my spinach puffs.” 

“So you…?”

“He is not allowed to hate my spinach puffs and still expect me to spread my legs,” Alec said without thinking, then blushing furiously at the blunt wording. 

“I see…” Mr. Banks said thoughtfully, “does he know why you are punishing him?” 

“Of course.” 

“What would it take for you to forgive him?” 

Alec tapped his chin thoughtfully, “I want him to admit that he was wrong. Then I want him to eat one of them in front of me.” 

Mr. Banks sucked in a deep breath at that and looked lost. Alec smirked because he knew why the tiny man responded that way. Magnus was the single most stubborn person Alec has ever met in his life. The odds of him ever admitting he was wrong were in the single digits. 

“Anything else? He could take you to his lovely country house in Noirmoutier. There is a Michelin rated restaurant there that I could get you reservations too.” 

“No, I slaved over a stove all day while he was at work like a housewife only to have my cooking insulted. He can have sex with me when he says he was wrong… But if you also want to clear our schedule he can take me out too.”

Mr. Banks nodded sharply before turning on his James Bond music again and barrel rolling out of sight. 

————————————————————-

Later that day Alec was lingering over his treat in his office. He just signed off on overtime hours for his Alpha team with a malicious smirk. Was he taking his sexual frustration out on the institute? Perhaps. But if he’s irritated then everyone should be irritated. 

He heard a knock on his door; it was Magnus. Alec stood up and placed a soft kiss on the other man’s cheek. They were in a strange place in their relationship, both pretending there was absolutely nothing wrong. The last three weeks, if nothing else, has proved to be a test of willpower. 

“Darling, how are you?” Magnus said perching on the corner of Alec’s desk. 

“I am great, Mi Corazón,” Alec responded. His smile is verging on sickly sweet but managed to maintain a bit of sincerity. 

Magnus sighed, defeated, “fine. Okay, Alec! You win. You win, your cooking is delicious, and I am blessed to get the opportunity. I was cruel not to think of your handwork and all the love you put in. I was… Wrong.” 

Alec smirked victoriously, “and?”  
Magnus grimaced and pulled out a spinach puff. Alec made more last night with this very moment in mind (though he was a bit tipsy at the time). Admittedly, looking at them in the cold, sober light of day they are a touch… Misshapen. And burnt. 

Magnus looked him dead in the eye with a pleading look, but Alec looked back steadily. There was no mercy. 

Magnus closed his eyes like he was about to take a shot, and choked the entire thing down in one fell swoop. Alec would be impressed if he hadn’t seen Magnus swallow around a much larger object. 

“So, what made you change your mind?” Alec asked. He was genuinely pretty curious because Mr. Banks never speaks to Magnus to maintain the illusion. 

“I was checking my schedule this morning… And noticed that all my shower times had been blocked out for an extra fifteen minutes… With no conceivable end in sight. Then I checked my email, and three different Shadowhunters were complaining about my increased rates.” 

“So…?”

“So,” Magnus said rolling his eyes, “I couldn’t keep living this way. I was also thinking… My schedule has a few days free next week. Do you want to go to my country house? It is on this beautiful little island in France, Noirmoutier. You’ll love it.” 

“A sexy vacation?”

Magnus smiled, almost hilariously relieved, “yes.” 

“I suppose I could make that work.” 

Magnus rolled his eyes and kissed him. Alec couldn’t help but smile smugly against his lips. His victories were rare, with Magnus being much older and wiser on nearly every topic. 

It took him a moment to realize Magnus was smirking too and for a moment he felt a flash of fear. His ass was going to get it tonight, and he already dreads walking into the institute tomorrow. 

——————————————-

He walks through the front doors with a slight limp and a definite soreness in his thighs. 

Everyone in the Institute begins cheering with a sigh of relief. 

**Author's Note:**

> Someday I'll find out why I am like this... But today is not that day. 
> 
> Comments make me smile


End file.
